Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
