There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
