Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
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We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
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Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
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