I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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