1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
