I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
