i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
wow bdsm is so cute
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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