Her vagina should come with caution tape.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
whose parrot is this?
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
