How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I can text with my tongue
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
did you just send me my own nude
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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