Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
My bed smells like the plague
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
