So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
