i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
