Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
