Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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