I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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