Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
