I'm laying in your front yard are you home
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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