Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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