How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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