I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
