if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
The police scanner is talking about you again....
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
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