Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
