Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
