First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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