Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
