dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
