thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
