Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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