In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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