Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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