Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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