As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
