If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
