went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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