That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
