why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
