my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
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I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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