was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
