If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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