Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
