Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
The chlamydia really affected his face.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
