new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
