Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
