Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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