I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
