You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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