You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
