I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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