I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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