his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
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