the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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