idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
