You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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