It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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