I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Randomize
