I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
