I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Randomize
