I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
